Recently in Secret Personal Journal Category

Secret Personal Journal Entry #34

May 16, 2004 11:09 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

Sunday, May 16, 2004 11:09 PM I know, I know� I haven�t written in over two months! I just kept putting it off, and then when I wanted to write, I decided to wait, because I would have to talk about everything that has happened since I last wrote�and then that time just got longer and longer� I am boyfriend-less still� I am recovering from streptococcus for a second time since I last wrote. This weekend was horrible! I�ve been on amoxicillin at 1500 mg per day for 4 days, and it hasn�t been helping. This morning I went to urgent care and was prescribed Augmentin, the strongest antibiotic, at the highest dose, 1650 mg per day. I am just now starting to feel slightly better. My throat is still totally swollen, but I can now swallow without intense pain�only minor pain. My neck is still inflamed, my ears still hurt and my head is still aching. Oh well. Tomorrow...

Secret Personal Journal Entry #33

March 7, 2004 12:16 PM | -1 | No TrackBacks

Sunday, March 07, 2004 12:16 PM I skipped another month. I am horrible. I�ve had the weirdest month of my life, sort of.I�ve been really enjoying thinking about John. I guess I overdid it. Since last time I wrote, John drove me to my dad�s house and we did a lot together. I even felt like kissing this time. I returned every favor he did for me, and more. I really enjoyed it. My dream was, however, shattered not 30 minutes ago. Maybe a little longer than that, but just recently. I finally asked John what the heck I was to him. In his words, he is sorry for leading me on, for that was the dumbest thing he could�ve done. Now I am pretty torn. I kept wishing that something would happen between us, but that is not going to happen. I said something dumb, (�Do you blow all of your friends?�) and he was suddenly offline. I called,...

The day I met a boy and puked

February 8, 2004 10:21 AM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

I'm sorry about skipping the last two months pretty much, but I don't really feel like trying to think what all happened... While I was at work on Thursday, my dad called to let me know that he was fine with my being gay, but he said we had to talk to weekend while driving or something. Too bad I got sick -- I guess that won't happen for a while. The night of the day I gave my mom the letter, she talked to me after I got home from work. She seemed a bit confused, and she kept saying I will have to help her deal with it. She was okay with my being gay though, but she said she did not know all that much about it. So it was awkward, but I made it. Anyhow, yesterday, as I normally do on Saturdays, I worked for 12 hours, from nine to nine. At around 7:20, as he...

How I came out to my parents

February 4, 2004 9:57 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

Once again, I apologize deeply for the lack of journal-writing that has been becoming a habit of mine. The past two weeks have been amazing, and I really wish I had been writing in this more often. This week is my coming out week. The following is a letter that I am writing now and will be giving to my parents tomorrow: Dear Mom and Dad, I am writing this letter because the difficulty of telling you what I am about to write far surpasses anything I have ever told you. Over the past two weeks, I have been becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of telling you that I am gay. I met a junior at Hartford named John who is gay, and he has really helped me on many levels. He's always willing to listen to what I have to say and to my concerns, and in such a short time we have become good friends....

Secret Personal Journal Entry #30

December 30, 2003 11:10 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

I am so sorry it's been so long!...

I got my temps

December 7, 2003 11:21 PM | -1 | No TrackBacks

I'm getting real good at forgetting to write in this! I did think of it a few times, but it's been busy at the store lately and there is a lot to do. I got my temps on Dec. 2, and I have so far driven an hour and 15 minutes. I am very bad at turning and using the gas pedal! I need a ton more practice before I go on a busy road. I have lots of homework to do still, so I will have to write more later!...

Who are we to judge?

November 29, 2003 9:49 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

It just occurred to me that I haven't written in this for a while. I am very, very sorry about this. Since last time I've written, I finished the classroom portion of Driver's Ed. I got a 99 out of 100 on the final test, so I passed. Sarah Gomez is no longer with Carlos. Her new boyfriend is PJ. He is bi, and he talks to me about gay stuff, but insists that he likes girls more. Sarah is worried that he likes me, but I have never met him in person yet! Oh well -- everyone I meet that I like is either straight or with a girl. Arg! I talked to Heather Markovich today about what she thought of gay people -- I didn't tell her I wasn't straight... I just told her my viewpoint. That viewpoint is this: Who are we to judge? The entire nation is based on equality of all people, and it is...

That's just my luck

November 10, 2003 9:51 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

I am feeling rather strange right now. Today was an average day for the most part. I got called to the associate principal's office seven minutes before the end of the school day. I thought I was in trouble because that's why people are usually called down there. Mr. Cappoferri just wanted to ask me about the other day when Bill C got off the bus. Now that I think about that, I didn't write about it did I? Well, it was Thursday last week. Bill got on the bus after school as usual. Then Mr. Cappoferri came on the bus and called Bill outside. They talked for a bit, and Bill was obviously not enjoying it--I thought he was going to cry. Then he was told to sit in the front seat until he got off. A few minutes after the bus left, he got up and sat in the middle next to me around where he usually sits....

I'm paranoid that I will hit stuff

November 9, 2003 10:07 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

Today was not too bad. I woke up around 9 and wrote my questions speech. I finished it by 1 or 2, but I didn't work on it the whole time. I also did some other homework, but not much. I still have to read a chapter in my driver's ed book and write another speech--a book review actually. I'll probably start it tonight and finish tomorrow or something. Morgan B was online--I still need to get how to spell her last name. Anyhow, I had heard that she was bi, but I don't remember who from or when. It was last year sometime. So today she was on, and medium-sized story short, I told her I wasn't straight, and then after a while she told me that she wasn't either. She didn't do much talking though and left soon after, so I'll talk more to her tomorrow. I'm pretty sure right now that my car I want will be...

I put everything off and got nothing done

November 8, 2003 9:43 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

I'm so mad I didn't write in this all week! I'll just summarize the week to save time: Last Saturday morning's sweater sale was crazy. I got to the store at quarter to nine, and there were already a whole bunch of people waiting to get in. I opened the doors and went in--and was followed by a bunch of ladies who didn't want to wait for me to turn the lights on. Customers kept pouring in the store, but nobody really checked out until 9:15. By that time the store was packed on the side with the sweaters, and there were wandering husbands on the other side, waiting for their wives. It was pretty funny. Eryn Kaap (Eryn Ostgaard) told me that when she arrived at five minutes to nine, the parking lot was so full that she had to park in the lot all the way on the end of the other side of the strip mall. Man,...

Sweater sales, Halloween and cross-dressing adventures

November 1, 2003 12:25 PM | 1 Comment | No TrackBacks

I just got back from sorting sweaters at the store. Tomorrow is our sweater sale. I also went trick or treating tonight at Bark Lake with Chris W. I was a woman. I had lip stick, white blush, long red hair, a hand-bag, and boobs. I got tons of comments from everyone, especially men at the bar by Bark Lake, some of whom had to touch my breasts. It was weird. Anyhow, that is what happened today. I need to get some sleep....

So much work, so little time

October 31, 2003 8:45 AM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

I have to get ready to go to Dad's house in a few minutes - I'll take my computer along I guess....

Slit wrists and unknown intentions

October 23, 2003 10:17 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

Sorry I didn't write lately--it's just been so busy--as usual. I haven't watched TV in a long time. Oh well. I should be doing homework right now but I wanted to get an entry in before I put this off for too long. It's not going well with Ryan. He slit his wrist three times two nights ago. Not deeply or anything, and I don't know what his intentions were. I hope he doesn't have suicidal thoughts. That would make me feel sad for him, and responsible too. My latest endeavor is working on Ben R. Hes in my Basic Speech and my Drafting, but I see him at lunch and around a lot. In Drafting, hes come over by me many times and my elbow has touched his crotch--I'm sure he noticed and he didn't care. He's been nice to me lately too. We'll see--time shall tell. Speaking of time, its running out. I have to go....

I'm not going to judge people any more

October 19, 2003 11:23 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

Well, I have talked to Ryan some more. He's as of now leaning toward not seeing me at all now that he's with Jenny. He originally said he would be okay with doing stuff with me and being with Jenny simultaneously, but now apparently he has changed his mind.He is as indecisive about his sexuality as a Mexican jumping bean is about which side it prefers to be upright. I'm tempted to say that I hope he and Jenny break up, but I wouldn't say that. I want him to decide who he is. When I was his age, I was with Heather, and I really believed I was straight and I would grow up with Heather and grow old with her. When that relationship faded away, (I still do not know when it ended) I had to consider who I was. I was devastated that she stopped wanting to be with me, but I did not know what to...

These feelings overwhelm me

October 19, 2003 4:58 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

I completely forgot to write yesterday. I tried to get some reading done before I went to work at 5 yesterday, but I didn't accomplish much. What's new? The jackpot for the Wisconsin Lottery's Powerball was 140 million. I bought 4 tickets, and didn't win anything. I am happy to know, however, that nobody else won the jackpot either. That means I will win it on Wednesday, when the jackpot is 160 million. Yea! I really felt lonely last night. I was thinking so much about Ryan, I wrote this poem: Unnamed Ryan Ge. is my true love Obsessing over him Wishing I was with him These feelings overwhelm me Jenny is a new friend of Ryan's She's just like him in every way Perfect lovers they would make Though this hurts me to say At the dance, they talked and talked He's not straight But he longs to be normal But what is normal? He chose her and not...

A video of his you-know-what

October 17, 2003 11:43 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

Today was alright. I bowled a 162, 166, and 150 something. I'm still rather depressed in the privacy of my room. I'm happy that Ryan sent me a video of his you-know-what, as well as another picture of his face. He had to leave early because of parents and I think I made him mad when he left. I don't know. Here's the links to the chats: Error! Not a valid link. I have been so confused and sad and mad and emotional in general lately. Last night when I attempted to collect my thoughts into poems, I made nonsense apparently. I didn't receive any serious comments today from the people who saw what I wrote, and Ryan declined to comment. God I wish I was better. Ryan apologized for not being perfect when he left. He is so much more perfect than I am--if only he knew....

It all might just pass me by

October 16, 2003 11:28 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

I need inspiration. I feel like I might very well be inspired, but when I try to draw from that inspiration and create poetry, it fails to impress my peers. Perhaps I should instead channel that energy into art, for visually I am inclined, and fear of acceptance and appreciation is not dependent on other people's reactions, but my satisfaction with the final result. Ryan is now the boyfriend of Jenny NoLastName. This has been my fear over the last few weeks. He said he still wants to do something with me, but not tomorrow. I lost him. As I told him in my chat, all of my potential friends of his nature follow this sequence: hope, doubt, despair. I have longed to be closer to him. Not to him, but to how he is. My style is undefined. He suggested that I should be Goth. I have several times in the past been inspired to do just that, but...

Lost opportunities

October 15, 2003 8:24 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

I was doing alright today, but now I am really sad. I had CCD tonight, so I was online right when I got home and then for a few hours. Ryan was not on at all, and now that I'm back from CCD, he hasn't been on the whole time. I just called him with my cell phone, and luckily he answered. I asked him if he was online at all and he said no. His brother apparently is playing Diablo on the computer. I then asked if he would be online this evening yet, and he says, "Maybe." I said, "You don't really want to talk to me any more, or what?" He just said "Meh." I said "What, too good for guys now?" He just laughed a bit. I told him that this was the last day in a long time that I didn't have to work, and he didn't even seem to care. He just said "I'm...